Ghosted
under canopy fog, on the forest floor,
a flurry of Monotropa uniflora—
an ‘unearthly’ aura, stepchild of a nearby beech tree
that holds a solitary tuft
of bobcat fur
from the tree’s rub of her back
and what had been nothing more than my clouded breath
became utterance, became her name, bereft
the reception of a human ear—
we have the before the word—
nothing can be nothing by virtue of not being—
but nothing can — i.e., something cannot — be created from nothing
and something cannot be something merely by being not nothing—
something, not born of, nor borne by, nothing,
must always have existed
somehow something become nothing
energy — but never destroyed
which elucidates how pain,
after its first brilliant flowering,
merely fleshes into fruit with time
after her form still materializes
without warning
and in a mental fog I can reach my hand back so that the skin of my skin strokes the skin of her pendulant ghostflower face and the back of my hand her hand’s curled blue fern of a vein—
she can unfurl at a moment’s notice—
unfurl in a forest, and I feel her
in the commingling weave of wind
and wending wind
or she emerges in a crowd,
in the face of strangers,
or somehow I am her, gazing at that face
in the selfsame crowd
or I am curled again on a light-absent night
back to cradling in the crook of her leg
her knitting needles clattering like teeth
as her voice streams around me, telling me of sitting as a in cold spring meadow’s bend one foot in the diaphanous blue cold of the water just to feel the pain of water’s touch after a long winter
Onesie
i have a theory of mind which is:: minds: there may be others. to be fair i’m not a gnostic. it’s a hyperthesis. you get me? i’m no idyllist, i’m not one to antidisestablish, but i affirm hypotheses non fingo. i stand by it—by which i mean i stand back of it. into life from first bleat, upon egress from the intercrural foramen, to some the monosyllable, to some passing the things to have shame of, the pudenda, we are slid pouch-to-pouch, into a onesie, borne aloft single-scruffed, limbs shimmering in wriggles, a confusion of neuronal launches as from a McDonald’s single-handled fry funnel to pentagonal prism packet. there once was an oyster, whose story i tell. when taking stock of the corpus of my thought, for it is in active compile, i came across one of those where i, hand goosenecked, have returned to earth, time’s arrow slowed, and in so doing have won the nba championship, and all its attendant glory & laurels, this record being obviously not exactly memory, though not exactly not memory, for that dossier must necessarily be a compressed-soap-sliver of mental impressions. upon recognizing with great disappointment the goosenecked hand, not to mention the rubber outsole contacting the glittering waxed court, i recognized that the goosenecked hand is no gooseneck to the progenitor, but rather a handless projection, and at that point i became conscious of the fact that perhaps all? of my memories have been third-person, not first-person, and though i did walk that back when i filed through all those etched moments in silent blue postcoital oxytocin moments, when it was a woman’s face, not my own body, that was etched: with great relief, as i saw that it was more fantasy than remembering, i walked it back. but then i walked it forward again when i began to wonder about the veracity of those slivers, since we all know how they begin to shimmy from the moment they are made until they are rattletraps by the time the beta-amyloid plaques start laying infrastructure on the final nine. i am no prosopagnostic, for instance, but there have been moments of blind panic when i could not picture a face. who found that some sand, had got into his shell, it was only a grain, but it gave him great pain. as predisposed to fantasy as i am, this self-awareness of my memorial constructions and reconstructions has me spooked: who is behind these machinations and why? if i am able to visualize in minutest detail, which i have, every crag and coomb, the path i would traverse from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, in Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, via Holyhead ferry to Muckanaghederdauhaulia by way of Galway, to Pollnagawna by the River Moy, hence back to Dún Laoghaire by way of Dublin. i have been flashlighting the recesses since, endeavoring to solve this problem, down the streets and byways: for if i am able to birdseye this streetmap of blinkering neuronal streetlights, must i not be the self-observing self? am i not in discharge of the mirror test? when i calculate (albeit by way of argument from authority) the caloric requisites and expenditures of the brain (around 1/5 of a calorie per minute for thought, if the experts are to be believed), is this not epiphenomenal, and ergo, as epi- is in want of object, must there not be a phenomenon of which to speak on? for oysters have feelings, although they’re so plain. to address the feeling of sliding into deep space, i resorted first to the ohm of meditation, but finding that insufficiently extreme, slid into the salt water vat of ++++sensorial deprivation+++ about which i read about in the fashion pages, the body being the organ of not just pleasure but torture: hence the advice to fuhgeddaboudit. to be deprived of the senses, by which is it meant to withdraw information from the senses, or is it withdraw the senses themselves? i am afraid that just as there is always meaning, there is always sense. or at least if there is sense, there is meaning and if there is meaning there is sense, which is to say iff. not that we view all sensory impressions similarly: otherwise, all would be noise and noise would have no meaning. the same impression in different contexts engenders different ideas: consider the warm toilet seat so warmed by the previous user and the gates i just switched in your personal corpus. releasing the tension we maintain in our legs to stay upright at significant energy cost to ourselves, your fundament presses upon the already-warm toilet seat, and what is your first thought? that revulsion reaction is however a recent development: to follow a sibling a moonlit Iowa winter night as my mother would upon the commode would be a gift for which your body would tingle in gratitude: and you would pursue that sibling in embrace under the covers once you returned to your shared room. but i regret to admit that i am a poor candidate for the benefits of sensory deprivation, for i am a buzzing confusion in the minusculest of moments, and to withdraw sense, & even to meditate, simply shuttles me to the absolutest dark edges of our 2.7 kelvin universe: my body reacts in apocalyptic fashion to the loss of sense, as does my self. my efforts to anatomize leave only scatterings of atoms, akin to how my toothbrush simply breaks into bittier and bittier indivisible parts in the pacific garbage patch. so when i am slid into that saltwater bath, my mind only alights upon her star, pirouetting in her footie pjs, arms raised & shimmering, a scintilla.
things could always be worse
i circle the pond at night | like the motes aloft in the twilight | to deorbit into darkness | i feel death’s descent | as i track the motion parallax | during my run | middle age is living zeno’s paradox | the scroll of experience thickens | as its ribbon grows smaller | the optimist in me has me reading | positivist psychology | to look for its flaws | we | think it is all one thing & the other | as though we have an identity | as though we cannot love our abuser | too much | listening in childhood makes | listening impossible in adulthood | the measure | of utility is the extent of danger | the more useful the more dangerous | e.g. | fire | oxygen | immune system | sex | hand grenade | love | time | knife | & knife’s edge of existence | it may be that we bottlenecked | but somehow pulled ourselves through | 70,000 years ago | & now | the result is that not only | do we exist | nearing eight billion | but each of us is more kin | to any other than any other creature | is to any other of its own species | for months | every night | my sole constant companion was a solitary | unmoving | black-crowned night heron | then one night | the irish goodbye | most | of the wetlands in this country | have been drained | filled | to undergird lawns | still | we have our pink plastic flamingos | sometimes | the birds refuse to relinquish | their ancestral wetlands | like the great blue herons | i saw land | confused on park grass in san francisco | only to be set upon by man’s faithful partner | in colonization | baying dogs | or | the american golden-plover | whose migratory stop in illinois | has been a cornfield now | two centuries or more | i struck out with a cannon net | & some undergrads at three | in the morning endeavoring to band | them as they slept | exhausted from their travels | on the cold fallow earth | we chased | glints of reflected gold in the black night | and i swear i could hear them breathing | before i was on top of them | but each time we would watch them flutter | just beyond our misfired net | until dawn | when | groggy as the birds | we retreated in the pickup | & i returned | home empty and wept | from exhaustion | in the raw weeks | after my mother’s death | when my night-wandering became habit | now there is a thin halo of ice | on the pond and the earth is hard | but i know the torporous vole shifts | beneath my feet | never | again | will we reach an inch of earth | untrammeled by man | the nature | of work has me restless at night | never | will i hunt or gather my own food | or eat it raw or shelter myself | in a cave or a tree | if i were to | i would act in luxury | i do not wash | my second skin | my clothes | not to mention make | them | if i were to | the fabric | would be handed me | it is | the automation of tasks | that has separated me | from others | from the planet | the human heart itself | is fibered of habit | when its habit ceases | its project finishes | the molecules disperse | until they join | a new project | the universe’s habits end in | heat death | perhaps | & then | other | universes | it is exhausting | but rejuvenate | means no more | no less | than new projects | new habits | somewhere out there | i have a sister | i have never met | whom | i learned about only deep | deep into adulthood | and who | is perhaps | ten years older than me | if she lives at all | but whom | i pictured as a baby | when i learned of her birth | before i was born | my mother drove | to cleveland and stayed the summer | to birth her | for much of my youth | our one car was | a yellow two-door | ford escort | with black vinyl seats | a.m. radio | and a soldered-on catalytic converter | that contrivance | would have been regarded as the most far-fetched | & most wondrous | apparatus on earth | had it appeared a century previous | but as it was | the woeful deathtrap barely got us to the state line | once it stalled on the interstate | and a couple | pushed us to a gas station with their own car | no bigger than our own | and a feeling of immense power welled inside me | that i now called gratitude | but had i digested enough tangible loss | to understand gratitude? | it’s unlikely | the facts of the matter | after the fact | will rarely cohere better | than the wind-lofted motes of fog wrapping around twin peaks | feelings i have been informed | are not facts | like geography | or the meter stick | strangely enough | given that geography is hardly fact | and the meter stick | is no longer a meter | it seems we cannot even settle on a distance | of our own factitiousness | so why would we expect to agree that when you die | you die | my mother | for one | did not die eleven years ago | but is as present in my dreams as she would be alive | and will die only with me | and though i leave no heirs | the last human of my species | at the risk of exhibiting repetition | is likely | to be as akin to me | as i am | to you | facts are created and destroyed | as much as what they signify | and abstractions | like the number one | only exist | if they are ever potentially thought | so they too will obliterate | facts are our fellow-travelers | and feelings | generate facts | but are also generated by them | we so often direct our feelings | toward the unfeeling | the inanimate | and not just in our attitude of disapprobation | toward the unfeeling thermostat | but in kicking the rock | placed right in front of our foot | by billions of years | of geomorphology and happenstance | or palpably raging at an unalive | collection of particles called a | virus | yet | the idea that we control | our bodies | any more than we do facts | is akin | to thinking we | actualized the rock | still | our bodies | know facts | insofar as our bodies | are incapable of lying | being but the vessels we are swept along in | and that acquire the character | of the waters that hold them | facts like feelings | are created and destroyed | feelings are social and so are facts | both by definition true | speaking | as i am to you | is a social act | even if i abstract you | my lonely act of putting my shirt on | in the morning | is a social act | seeing as i did not make | and could not have made | it | and its procurement involved the hands of | a great chain of people | pulling it off | as i did equivocating in the moonlight | in a near desperate act | in the weeks after my mother’s death | was a social act | insofar | as being alone requires | the possibility of others | and taking off all the shirts of my life | at night | night after night after night | shirt | after shirt after | shirt | is a chain of social acts | even if for no other reason | than that i consider how my body might be seen | though no one is there | to see it | i would have given the shirt | off my back | had i ever been asked | but in truth | in fact | have i ever really | done anything for anyone? | things could always be worse | the favorite retort of | the optimist | and the pessimist | once | while night running the unlit outskirts of punta cana | in a recession boondoggle of a subdivision | i narrowly missed | the deep maw of a manhole | dispossessed of its cover | its width just sufficient | for my frame | so it was far | from far-fetched | to think I could have been disappeared | by rattling down to a depth | that even conscious | even by day | i would have gone unheard from | while a hundred meters away people | would have been sleeping and waking and eating and laughing | until I perished | and skeletonized | my remains only being unearthed long hence | in some long-delayed and cost-overrun sewerage project | to the curiosity of the unearthers | but isn’t that always the way | we live and die in ever closer proximity | to others of our species | who are powerless to save us | so instead | i am here | for the moment | instead of | was here | one morning | years ago | i googled a favorite poet | to verify his latest book title | having searched a week previous | but having no memory for words whatsoever | only to see a piercing was in wikipedia replacing is | to | be frank | to
| be |
has always been a schizophrenic endeavor | as our shared language conveys | given that | be | is | are | and was | have all insinuated themselves | from disparate origins | like viruses | into dna | our language | being akin to those aforementioned vessels | our bodies | and that abstraction | our existence | and so | to say both mote &
motley